


be my little friend

by satellites (brella)



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-03
Updated: 2012-12-03
Packaged: 2017-11-20 04:14:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/581197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brella/pseuds/satellites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their baby looks to be an orphan, so he’s definitely going to become a superhero.</p>
            </blockquote>





	be my little friend

**Author's Note:**

  * For [superllaine](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=superllaine).



> 12 Days of Ficmas: Day Two.  
> superllaine requested: Troy and Abed as bros, unexpected possession of a baby

Abed had not expected a baby.  
  
“I had not expected a baby,” he says to Troy, who is staring with protuberant eyes and a stiff back at the bundle of joy sitting on their kitchen table in a portable carseat. (The fabric has Spongebobs on it.)  
  
They tell you that there are apparently things to expect when you are expecting. But Abed had not been expecting, in either convoluted sense of the previously innocent word, anything at all, so he really doesn’t know what to expect now that he has something he hadn’t been expecting.  
  
“What do we do with it?” Troy hisses without taking his eyes off of the infant. “Should we check its forehead for a raincloud scar?”  
  
“No,” Abed decides, setting his bag down. “We should feed it. We’re its parents now. You can be the mom.”  
  
“I don’t wanna be the mom!” Troy shrieks. The volume makes the baby wake up and start wailing.  
  
“Exactly why you should be,” Abed says enigmatically. “Now how do I hold it?”  
  
“We should call Annie,” Troy squeaks.  
  
“No, Annie’s out of the storyline. This is our time to shine,” Abed explains as precisely as he can. “It’s like a flour sack episode, but with less flour and more poop and way fewer things that can go wrong since you can’t accidentally make a real baby into muffins.”  
  
“Dude,” Troy says, hovering at Abed’s shoulder and staring at their visitor. “I think I’m having a stroke.”  


* * *

  
The baby is, in common parlance, really cute. It’s the kind of thing that would make Annie and Shirley’s “awww”s reach high enough decibels to shatter time and space.   
  
It’s a boy, Abed is pretty sure – he’s not about to check unless he has to change diapers, but that’s Troy’s job anyway, because Troy’s a lot more capable of caring about things so he has to be the mom in any scenario.  
  
It has blonde hair, like most babies, and curious brown eyes, and a light dusting of freckles. Its fingers are small and stumpy and they grasp Abed’s favorite blue sweater with incredible strength.  
  
Maybe their baby is a superhero. Like Batman.  


* * *

  
Abed tries making it buttered noodles while Troy decides on a name. He isn't sure if babies really eat buttered noodles, but Hilda had kept theirs fed on just that, even though they were digital buttered noodles. Anyway, it's worth a shot.  
  
“Why is he crying?!” Troy wails, holding the baby at arm’s length with on either side, grimacing at it.  
  
“Probably because it’s hungry,” Abed replies, stirring. “Did you name it?”  
  
“I was thinking LeVar, but I’m not sure.” Troy squints at possibly-LeVar, halfway between suspicious and curious. “I think he just farted.”  
  
“Can I pick the middle name?” Abed asks.  
  
“Sure.”  
  
“Joel,” Abed declares, grandly gesturing at the wall as though presenting it. “It’d be meta.”  
  
“I trust you, buddy,” Troy mutters dismissively just as LeVar Joel Batman lets out a baleful shriek. “Oh god, I think he’s gonna start crying again!”  
  
“You’re not going to make it feel any better by holding it like that,” Abed chastises him, striding in with a finished pot of noodles.  
  
“He’s not an it!” Troy protests, finally drawing the infant close to his chest, which, amazingly, makes it – _him_ quiet its – _his_ crying. “He’s our son! I don’t work night and day to bring money in just so you can call our precious ray of sunshine an _it_!”  
  
“Sorry,” Abed says plainly, setting the pot down on the table. “You think he’ll eat this?”  
  
Troy stares down at the noodles as though they’re offending him, protectively clutching LeVar, who is still sniffling.  
  
“No,” Troy exclaims, eyes wide and bewildered. “You’re new at this, aren’t you?”  
  
“And you’re not?” Abed counters.  
  
“No, I’m not,” Troy says, striding to the car seat and gently setting LeVar down in it, strapping him in. “I was a go-to babysitter in high school for like every-freakin’-body in my family. We gotta get him some formula.”  
  
“What’s that?” Abed asks as Troy buckles LeVar in and hoists his seat off the table, heading for the door. Abed jogs after him.  
  
“Magic baby food, I don’t know,” Troy explains in exasperation. “Come on; he’ll probably die if we don’t; these things are fragile.”  
  
“This is such a good episode,” Abed says as he closes the door behind him.  


* * *

  
“He’s precious!” the cashier at the grocery store coos, beaming down at LeVar. “How long since you adopted him?”   
  
“Oh we didn’t adopt him,” Abed says before Troy can answer for him. “He was probably left in our apartment by wolves; they tend to do that kind of thing.”  
  
Troy swiftly picks up their bags, flings a twenty at the cashier, and grabs Abed by the elbow to lead him to the exit.

 

* * *

  
They’ve just arrived at the bus stop with two bags filled with various flavors of baby food when Troy’s cell phone rings.  
  
“Hold him,” he tells Abed, handing over the car seat.  
  
LeVar Joel Batman kicks his legs and extends his arms toward Troy, sounding heartbroken at the separation. Abed pats the top of the car seat like it’s supposed to help.  
  
“I don’t think he likes being separated from you,” Abed observes.  
  
“That’s because he’s my angel,” Troy explains emotionally, then flips open his phone. “T-Daddy here.”  
  
Abed watches as Troy’s expression progresses from bored to astonished to heartbroken to terrified. After about three minutes, he gulps, says, “Okay, we’ll be back,” and claps the phone closed.  
  
“What happened?” Abed asks, frowning.  
  
“That was Annie,” Troy ekes out, staring unblinking out at the street. “Our neighbor’s baby has been kidnapped!” He jerks his head to finally (dramatically) look Abed in the eye. “You know what this _means_?”  
  
“The same guy might take LeVar,” Abed gasps, shielding LeVar Joel Batman with one skinny arm. “It’s not safe. We’ll have to move.”  
  
“How’re we gonna break it to Annie?” Troy whimpers.  
  
“Dunno,” Abed says, tilting his mouth pensively. “I’m sure her characterizing abandonment issues masked by independence won’t make this blow up in our faces at all.”  
  
Troy finally breaks down, doubling over and sobbing at passerby.  
  
“I have no idea what you’re _saying_!” he bawls. The bus pulls up.    


 

* * *

 

“Where have you guys _been_?!” Annie shrieks at an alarming volume the second Troy manages to swing open the door. “Oh my _god_ , we’re in the middle of a crisis!”   
  
“I know,” Troy says, putting his hand on Annie’s shoulder. “We gotta protect LeVar.”  
  
“Le- _who_?” Annie exclaims, frowning at him. When Abed walks in with the grocery bags in one hand and LeVar Joel Batman in the carseat in the other, she gasps the same way she does whenever her favorite characters get offended. “Abed! Holy crap, is that—?”  
  
“His parents were acrobats, but they died,” Abed says, beaming. “Now he’s ours. We’re training him to be a crime fighter. His name’s LeVar J—”  
  
“He’s _not_ yours!” Annie yells, wrenching the car seat out of Abed’s grasp. The rough motion makes LeVar Joel Batman start to cry, his freckled cheeks going splotchy, his brown eyes glimmering pitifully. “He’s Gillian and Joel’s!”  
  
“Who?” Troy and Abed ask in unison before performing their secret handshake aside as a reward to each other for simultaneousness.  
  
“Joel,” Abed whispers in astonishment.  
  
“Our new neighbors!” Annie tells them incredulously. “His name is _Donald_ , and they brought him over to meet us! I was showing them my room and when we came back out he was gone!”  
  
“Well if they’re just leaving him on the kitchen table of three known community college students, then maybe they shouldn’t be blessed with such a gift to begin with!” Troy exclaims, reaching for LeVar Joel Batman’s seat handle again. Annie steps out of accessibility, looking insulted.  
  
“That’s none of your _business_ , Troy,” she whispers. “Joel hasn’t stopped crying! Gillian’s thinking about joining the Peace Corps! They’re _devastated_ , you idiots; they’re down at the police station now! Oh my _god_...”  
  
“So that means...” Abed starts to say.  
  
“That LeVar...” Troy continues, turning slowly toward him before breaking out into a dazzling grin. “Is safe! He’s not gonna get kidnapped because _we_ kidnapped him!”  
  
“Damn straight you did!” Annie interjects hotly, striding between the two of them with a still-crying LeVar in hand. “Come on; we’re taking the bus to the station and returning LeVa— _Donald_ to his parents.”  
  
“Where’s the fun in that?” Abed asks her retreating form, and she whirls on him, pointing on accusatory finger in his face that makes him go cross-eyed.  
  
“Don’t you dare start with me,” she hisses, whirling back around so that her ponytail swings sharply onto her other shoulder. “Hurry up. You guys were fast enough getting away, you – you – Bonnie and Clyde of baby stealers.”  
  
“How did she not hear us making him buttered noodles?” Troy whispers aside to Abed as they guiltily follow Annie down the three flights of stairs.  
  
Abed shrugs. “Plot hole, I guess. They’re brutal.”  


 

* * *

  
  
Gillian and Joel Brown are overjoyed to have LeVar Joel Donald Batman back, whisking him away to their Volkswagen Beetle and thanking Annie profusely and staring at Abed and Troy like they’re a couple of murderers.  
  
“Wait,” Abed says just before Gillian closes the car door. She’s blonde and tall, but Joel’s absurd height makes her look petite. She stares up at Abed, one booted foot still planted on the concrete of the parking lot.  
  
Troy comes to stand beside him. LeVar Joel Donald Batman blinks at the two of them from his spot in the back seat, securely fastened down, sucking on one thumb.  
  
Annie watches them from a few feet away on the sidewalk, her arms folded.  
  
“Yeah?” Gillian prompts Abed, leaning into his field of vision, probably to distract him from LeVar Joel Donald Batman. Abed blinks to attention again.  
  
“Can we say good-bye?” he asks, in a smaller voice than he’d intended.  
  
“He’s not ours,” Troy adds, patting Abed’s shoulder, “but we kinda bonded.”  
  
Gillian narrows her blue eyes at the two of them, pursing her lips to the point where it looks like she’s swallowed something sour. She looks familiar, but Abed is too preoccupied to try placing her.  
  
Joel leans forward from the passenger seat and raises a hand charmingly at Troy and Abed in greeting.  
  
“Sure,” he tells them genuinely. Gillian’s head whips around, probably to stare incredulously at him, but he shrugs helplessly and jerks his thumb at the back seat. “Go ahead, guys. You didn’t drop him down a manhole, so I’d say that warrants being allowed to say good-bye.”  
  
Abed and Troy shuffle over to the back door and watches as Joel manually rolls down the window. LeVar Joel Donald Batman, chewing on a blue teething ring painted like a dolphin, gazes at them, and suddenly, Abed realizes what Troy meant when he called Abed’s eyes gentle and mysterious.  
  
“Bye, little buddy,” Troy says, smiling. His eyes are starting to moisten and he sniffs loudly, practically honks.  
  
“Save the world for us a few times,” Abed murmurs, gently waving his hand. “Make us proud.”  
  
Unexpectedly, LeVar Joel Donald Batman’s face blooms into a dimpled, pudgy-cheeked smile, and he giggles, kicking his tiny legs. Something in Abed’s chest tugs, just for a second.  
  
“Coo coo coo-ah!” LeVar Joel Donald Batman babbles joyfully.  
  
Abed smiles back at him, cocking his head, and the window rolls up.  
  
“Thank you,” Gillian calls to Annie, squinting at Abed one more time before closing her door with a _thump_. “See you back home!”  
  
“Bye, Troy,” Joel says, saluting them. “Bye, Abed. You’ll see him again.”  
  
“I wouldn’t count on _that_ ,” Gillian grumbles.  
  
Joel grimaces. “Uh. Eventually.”  
  
With that, the engine rolls to life and Gillian’s window goes up and the car pulls away, heading for the street. Abed and Troy wave at it until they can’t see it anymore.  
  
Troy drops his hand onto Abed’s shoulder. Abed glances over at him, perplexed.  
  
“Families are nice,” he says cryptically.  
  
Annie chooses that moment to appear between them, standing on her tiptoes to sling her arms over each of their shoulders so that she practically dangles between them.  
  
“Home, boys?” she suggests, smiling wearily at the two of them in turn.  
  
Abed looks over at Troy, his lips quirking.  
  
“They are,” he agrees.  
  
They eat leftover buttered noodles for dinner. The next weekend, Gillian, Joel, and Donald come over, and if Troy and Abed ask to take Donald into the Dreamatorium for a while, no one thinks strangely of them at all.  
  
(Donald saves the world, just like he’d promised.)

 

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers: I know nothing about babies.


End file.
